Blitz Magazine, November 2000

I’m reading Moby Dick. My attention flags.

I click on the TV.

A&E. Bill Kurtis tells us that this segment is a useful ‘primmer’ for understanding the mind of a serial killer.

Click.

Local news, V.TV. The anchor talks about an incident at a bus ‘deepot’. She doesn’t get it. And repeats ‘deepot’.

Click.

CNN Sports. The announcer, who sounds like he’s being strangled, is yelling at me. He’s extremely excited. About golf.

Click.

Local news again, BCTV. Caroline Collier’s voice makes me yearn to have my fingernails extracted.

Click.

Fairchild. A show on the pop music scene in Tehran. I am nonplussed.

Click.

NYPD Blue. The writers would have us believe that, if you want to become a New York cop, you first have to go to a bad-grammar school where you will be taught to speak like a moron.

Click.

MuchMusic. Tom Petty’s Free Fallin’. But they can’t just let the song play. They have to include pop-up production facts in bubbles that make this really annoying noise as they appear. My poodle, a  Petty fan, growls at the screen.

Click.

Dateline. Maria Shriver introduces yet another What A Disaster! story. Shriver’s is the most offensive voice on the planet; it makes me want to fling myself off a bridge.

Click.

Ah, Da Vinci’s Inquest. One of the best shows on TV. And set in my own city. Unfortunately, one can’t understand a word anyone’s saying—half the cast needs elocution lessons; the sound man went to lunch. Drag.

Click.

Entertainment Tonight. Mary Hart. Ewwwww.

Click.

The Shopping Channel. Joan Rivers. I flick back and forth for a minute, trying to decide whose voice is worse. ‘Can’t decide.

Click.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Regis. ‘Nuff said.

Click.

Andre Braugher’s new show, Gideon’s Crossing. ‘Not sure where their writers came from. But they should go back there.

Click.

What we have here is not really a failure to communicate. It is communication made so aggravating by its various shades of inferiority that viewers either have to force themselves to tolerate this crap or turn off their televisions altogether.

How is this beneficial to anyone? If a producer creates a show with the hope of entertaining viewers, but hires writers who can’t recall how human beings speak to each other, and actors who can’t make themselves understood, who’s going to watch that show?

If a producer creates a show with the goal of informing and enlightening viewers but hires announcers whose voices are so offensive that viewers are unable to listen to them, why would anyone watch that show?

And if people are unable to withstand the cacophony coming at them from their television sets, shouldn’t advertisers begin to wonder if they should be spending their money on these shows?

Talk amongst yourselves. I’m stickin’ with The Whale.